Nervous Wreck

That was me in a nutshell the since Friday. I went for an ultra sound and they found more cysts. Not just in my right ovary, but now my left as well.

They gave me the CA125 test. I asked, the cancer test? I was told yes, just as a precaution. But, they said the ultra sound looked like uncomplicated, run of the mill cysts...Great....

I was told to call a number, put in a code and the results would be there. NOT. I called the office today and the person who answered told me the test was within normal range, but she was not a nurse. Thank You! I said. She told me she would have the nurse practitioner call me this evening. I told her now that I knew that number, she could just leave it on the message and I would be fine with that...Of course, I did mention that I have been a fucking nervous wreck since Friday!

The doctor's office called this evening and told me the test was perfect! I could not be more thrilled.

The CA125 is basically a test to find out how a cancer treatment is working. I emailed Jaded, who was told not to take it, by her brother, a doctor. He told her it had false positives and it basically scared women. This, after I had the test. Then I read everything I could about it and not only was that written, but that IF the markers were high, it could be lung, pancreas, liver, breast, or even ovarian cancer. Oh boy! Great news to carry around for four days!

I have been popping Klonipin and Xanax, like crazy! I was trying to be on an even keel with the girls and the hub, I have been hiding the depths of my fear. So many things ran thru my head, constantly. Not being here to see my girls grow up. No being here for them, when they need me the most. Thinking about finances, what to give to whom. How to tell them. Complete and utter pity for myself, while maintaning a fractional positive attitude.

I don't know how women do this. Or men, who have cancer issues. It is so debilitating to even think of not living long enough to see my kids old and grey. There are so many things left that I have to teach them. So many years left that I need to be here to love them and their father.

Right now, I am just thankful that I will possibly get the chance. My birthday is Saturday and when the girls asked what I wanted, I just wanted to roll up into a ball and cry. I wanted to spare them from having no mother. Nothing and I mean NOTHING matters more. It is the greatest birthday gift I could have. To spend time with them and to see them grow into strong women and possibly have grandchildren. I promise here and now, I will be a wonderful, fun and loving grandmother, if given the chance!

I was looking at bras today, and thought, I might not need these! How awful that feeling was. To not need something for the near future was so sad.

Tomorrow, I get waxed and I get a cut and a color. I cannot tell you how excited I feel to know that I still need to get these things done!

Life is a gift. Live it. Love it. Embrace it. It happens all too fast. I wish for all of us to live to one hundred and be in good health!

UPDATE:
Jaded posted about this today. Her post if full of excellent advice and I hope every woman that reads this, will go to her blog and read what she has to say. It could save a life. The link is on my blog. Jaded&opinionated.blogspot.com.