Mother's Day

My mother worked hard her entire life. She got Alzheimer's about the time she retired. My dad took care of her for several years. We thought my dad would always be there to take care of her. But, it didn't work out that way.

My father, who could really piss me off at times, but was much loved by me, was diagnosed with lung cancer and died three months later. It had spread to his brain and other areas. He died August 12, 1998.

My parents had moved about three hours north of my siblings and me. It was a lot of work to get powers of attorney for both parents before he died. I had to take over the bank accounts and pretty much everything else, as my mother was no longer able to do that stuff.

We brought my father down here to be near us. My mother was staying with me at the time of his death. My siblings came over after one called me at 4 am to tell me our dad had died. When my mother came up stairs, she saw us all there and she burst into tears. She was pretty advanced with the Alzheimer's, but she knew she had lost her husband of forty-five years.

It was awful. She stayed with my siblings and my family for a couple of months. We moved her around each others homes, until I found her a beautiful place to live. Assisted living. Cost a fortune, but was so worth it. She loved it there. She would take the brochures to show people we went to visit, who had not seen it yet.

My mother seemed to be doing pretty well there. She knew the routine, or they would come find her and help her if she got lost in the huge building. She got to a point where she forgot how to open a pop can, didn't know which utensils to use, and forgot what she liked to eat. She hated eating, because she felt like she was going to choke. Part of the disease.

My mother lost a lot of weight. I took her shopping for clothes that would fit her. While we were walking, she was out of breath and had to sit down often. She had a physical the week before and aside from the devastating disease she had, she was deemed physically healthy.

I took her back to the doctor the day after shopping and they did an x-ray and found cancer in her lungs. It had come from somewhere else. But she was dying of cancer as well.

We were all shocked. I know this will sound really pathetic and mean, but the cancer was truly a blessing in disguise. Alzheimer's is the worst and most demeaning way to go. You lose everything very slowly. And you are aware it is happening for a long time before it really gets bad. We were already watching all her independence disappear, which is unbearable to see.

Eight months after my dad died, on April 11, 1999, my mother died from cancer. Two weeks after she was diagnosed.

I dream of her often. Sometimes how she was before she got sick and others when I was taking care of her. But the woman I was taking care of, was no longer my mother. She was gone. When she finally died in her sleep, I was there in a bed beside hers. It was just a body at that point. I felt that her soul was gone the day before. I miss her. I officially became an adult orphan.

After my mother died, the night before her funeral, I had a visit from my dad. He told me to take care of my siblings and to go on. I cried as I told him I would, but it was so hard. He told me he knew. I awoke crying and told my husband that my father had just been there. He looked skeptical, of course.

I didn't speak at my dad's funeral. I am deathly afraid of public speaking. I asked my husband, to read what I had written, at the very last minute. Somebody I had known for years, a nice Christian guy, told me after the service, "Just couldn't do it huh?" I will never forget him. He was an older siblings friend really, but I had know him since I was little. He really got to me. I will never forget how mad I was at myself for not having the courage to read the words I had written for my dad.

On the day of my mother's funeral, I did read what I wrote. I even mentioned my talk (or dream) with my dad. My husband was surprised by that. But, I got up and said a final good-bye to my mother, with all my heart and tears.

I loved my mother a lot and had missed her for years, before she actually died. Happy Mother's Day Mom. I Love You.