The Adoption

Today is a very bittersweet day for me. If you have read my Choices story, then you know about Lilly. Lilly was me.

I got pregnant at fourteen, by a nineteen year old guy. I saw him for a while before I actually went to his apartment. When I left his apartment, I was no longer a virgin. I never saw the loser guy again either.

When I realized I was pregnant, I became a very terrified fourteen year old. I was deathly afraid to tell my parents, so I didn't. I told no friends either. I continued going to school, most of the time, at least through the first two terms of the pregnancy. My mother put me on a diet. I wore smock tops and sweatshirts to hide my growing belly.

Three days before I had the baby, my mother asked me if I was pregnant. I told her yes. She asked if the baby was moving. I said, yes. I asked her if she was going to tell my father, and she said, yes. There it was the day I dreaded for nine months. I stayed in my room for hours. I finally went downstairs to get a drink in the darkened kitchen. I turned around with my glass of water in my hand and my father was standing there. He hugged me. I cried. This was not the way I thought it would be. The sky did not fall, the earth didn't open up and swallow me, I got a much needed hug.

My mother and I spent the next couple of days preparing for the baby. I had to get a pregnancy test, ridiculous as that sounds. I had to see a social worker because I had decided to give my baby up for adoption. If my mother had not come to me when she had, who knows what I would have resorted to. Having a baby in my bedroom? Luckily, I never had to find out.

The next day I began having contractions. I didn't know what they were though. Nobody told me anything about how I would feel or what to expect. Finally, very late that night, I woke my brother to get my mother. She and my father drove me to the hospital. The pain was unbearable. The nurses asked me who my doctor was. I told them I didn't have one. The were very unhappy with me, to say the least. I asked for something for the pain. They would not give me anything and told me they were worried about the baby.

I had a boy, he weighed nearly twelve pounds. Due to being on a diet and filling my purse with candy, no doubt had something to do with his size. The nurses took my beautiful little baby to another room and would not let me hold him, since I was giving him up for adoption. At fifteen, I didn't know enough to argue with them.

I was put on a floor away from maternity. It seemed like the longest two days of my life being in that hospital. My parents had told family and friends that I had an appendectomy. I started getting cards and flowers.

One day the social service woman called and told me she needed to get the father's signature on the relinquishment papers. Unless I wanted to list the father as unknown on the birth certificate. I didn't want that. I also told her if he didn't sign the papers, I would not be giving my child up. There was no way, loser guy was getting my child. He signed them, quickly and quietly, from what I was told.

When my baby was eight weeks old, I finally got to hold him. My mother and I went to the social services office so I could sign the relinquishment papers. I remember asking my mother if I wanted to keep him, could I. She said, of course, and that they would raise him as my brother. I didn't want that for my son. I wanted him to have a loving home and be raised by a real mother and father. Not for him to be raised as my brother. And certainly not by his grandparents, whom he would think were his actual parents.

I got non identifying information about the adoptive parents. They already had one son who was adopted. They said they would let their kids know they were adopted. I liked that. Not that I expected a knock on my door one day, but because it was honest. I signed the papers and kissed baby Michael Paul goodbye. I was sure his parents would rename him. He was on his way to a new loving home and I was going to be a regular fifteen year old again.

I have never regretted that decision. I was so unprepared to be a mother. I was so young. But, I will forever remember the day.
June 20, 1975. Today, is Michael Paul's 30th birthday.