I talked to my brother last night and he is getting back together with his ex-wife. I think this if the fourth time. They have hurt each other so much in the past that it concerns me that they are going to do it again.
They have been seeing each other since he broke up with his long time girlfriend, whom we all love. We felt that she did the right thing in breaking up with him. He was being an asshole to her, among other things.
He got an apartment not too far from his ex and his son. I asked him at one point if he was dating and he finally fessed up that he was seeing his ex. He had not told me because he expected me to give him my usual schpeel (SP?). I didn't, at least not much. He said they were getting a house in a better neighborhood for his son's sake. They want him in a better school district for high school. I can see that. I understand that and I held my tongue, somewhat. It is not my life and I wished him the best.
I asked how my nephew felt about this. My brother said, "He is thirteen and we get no answers from him." This set me off a bit and made me wonder about the teen years. I get answers from my teenager. I get some of the attitude that comes with being a teen who doesn't feel like using more than monosyllables. But, I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. Should I be waiting for that?
When my girls were little, I would hear, "Oh, just wait until they are two." Nothing happened at two. They were not terrible. They were wonderful and fun. Three was a rough year in our household. Not that they were bad, but they were challenging and curious and testing the waters.
As they approached teendom, I got the same kind of comments. "Oh, wait until their teenagers." One is a teenager and the other almost there. I wonder if there is so much negative crap about teens, that parents let them have free rein to do what they like and get away with being disrespectful, because, they are just being teenagers. That was what I heard from my brother. That is what I have heard from others. And I believe those are the teens I hear about on the news....
My teenager has turned into a wonderful young lady. Once, not happy to help out around the house. Now, almost always wanting to help and happily. She helps cook, clean, empties the dishwasher without being asked. Does things to help her sister when she is sad and has become a great sister too. She has always loved her sister, but was not very affectionate with her. That has changed and while we thought she wasn't paying attention, she was. She knows how to deal with her sister, father and me! She does it beautifully. She really is a terrific person.
I guess I have been waiting for the monster teenager to come out and it hasn't. Same thing happened when they were little. I had been waiting for the bad part of two, now I am waiting for the bad part of the teen years. So, instead of taking all the warnings to heart. I am going to assume that everything will be fine and keep demanding that they be kind, respectful and caring young ladies. Just because they are teenagers, they do NOT have carte blanche to behave nastily, to be rude or be disrespectful, to our family or anybody else.
It bothers me that my brother and others let their teens behave badly and not have repercussions. That they shrug their shoulders and say, "They are just being teenagers." I believe that is a cop out for parenting properly. I think it is even more important than ever to be a presence in their lives and to call them on what is not acceptable behavior. Not a time to back off and give them space. I hope I am right!
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4 comments:
I am on teen number two....
moments of it can be tough.
I would be lying if I didn't admit that.
but, we follow through and let them know what is ok and what isn't. The reason is always explained to them so they see why it is unacceptable to begin with.
structure, guidance and not caving in to them has made them realize we are not being mean--we are being parents.
they have both said that they wish more parents were like that--too many kids they know are out of control and spoiled rotten.
I am thankful they understand and know they love us even when we are "being hard" on them.
As far as your brother goes, there is not one single thing that you can do about it. My sister has recently gone back with her ex-crackhead boyfriend. Remember? My detective work? I called there during the day last week to leave her a message and HE answered the phone. I've still not said one single word. It will fall on deaf ears..........and so will the fallout afterwards on my end.
What a good mom.
I have worked with teenagers for a long time, and many capacities. I've worked as a family advocate for at-risk teens, I've taught at a school for behaviorally disordered kids, and I teach mostly teens in my music studio. The main difference between those who are "at-risk" and those who are responsible and respectful is their families. I've only worked with one kid that when I spoke to the parent the first time I didn't think "Ohhhh no wonder he's a mess."
Kids need structure. They test boundaries to make sure they have them. They may tell you they don't want them, but as soon as you take them away, they resent that you don't care enough. It's weird. They feel like their parents gave up, so why should they bother. It's a whole behavior/self-esteem thing. I've written enough behavior modification programs and family contracts to say this with some certainty. (I have a Master's in Special Education, with a concentration in Behaviorally Disordered/Emotionally Disturbed adolescents.)
I don't know enough about your brother to say one way or the other about his reconciliation with the ex. In general, however, that is usually not a good thing. The only chance they have at making it work this time for them and for their son is to get into some family therapy to make that transition. I have no doubt that their son is distancing himself because everytime he has the hope his family will be together, it gets ripped out from under him. I would bet that he's angry and scared, but that he doesn't know how to express that in a positive way. It is rather selfish of your brother and his ex-wife to start this whole co-dependent thing all over again and expect that it's really what's best for their son.
Therapy. I really think that would help. If not the adults, it would really help that child. I don't care if he IS a teen, he's still a child. Just my opinion.
Call Dr. Phil!! :-)
PS:
2 was fine for Jadette...3 is a challenge. She tests those limits every chance she gets. She throws tantrums now, which is kinda funny. She sort of flails her body around, and then lies down on the floor. I just tell her that mommy can't talk to her when she's crying and walk away. Takes her about 45 seconds to see I'm serious, and she stops crying.
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