Funnies

I got these through emails from my sister in law Phoebe....She has a head for jokes, not big, just full!


>>A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches
straight up to the
>>counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE
drawing welfare. I'd
>>really much rather have an honest job."
>>
>>The social worker behind the counter says, "Your
timing is excellent.
>>We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old
man who wants a
>>chauffeur
>>and bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll
have to drive around
>>in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your
clothes. Because of the
>>long
>>hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected
to escort her on her
>>overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy
her sexual urges.
>>You'll
>>have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The
starting salary is
>>$200,000 a year".
>>
>>The guy says, "You're bullshittin' me!"
>>
>>The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started
it."



From the Mind of Stephen Wright:


~I planted bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
~I had amnesia once -- maybe twice.
~I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
~Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
~All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.
~I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
~If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
~What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
~They told me I was gullible..... and I believed them.
~Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows
up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
~Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
~Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
~What if there were no hypothetical questions?
~One nice thing about egotists... they don't talk about other people.
~A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
~What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
~I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
~The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
~Is there another word for synonym?
~The speed of time is one second per second.
~Is it possible to be totally partial?
~What's another word for thesaurus?
~Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
~If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
~Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a
man who can't get his pants off.
~It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
~Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken ?